Today I had seizures all day.  They seem so scary when I can't see.  So much is lost in translation.  last night i was bouncing off the wall then my brain when flop.  It's really getting to me, losing friends and not knowing who is next.  It feels like this horrible abandonment game.  Like my worst fear come true.  I'm using my personal inner self to be the sponge.  I haven't had to say "oh it's ok" more in my whole life.  I take a breath from the crumbs others leave behind  as I watch them walk away.  I hurts me deeply.  I feel like it's better to be the bigger person by saying nothing.  Inside and alone I cry.  Jules says I'm suffering a great loss and I really didn't think about it that way until today.  I should just use my cell phone as a paper weight.  It never rings on my end.  I think I would be shocked at whom ever called me.  So I'll just be here, watching my dvds, in the dark, and alone. 


That's me.

I really want to spill all of thoughts in here but I'm at a loss for word to express what I think or feel. 

It's Saturday, just Saturday.   :(

I love that I can get lost in words that sound so comforting.  It's the only sound in the house.  I've never just turned off everything and just listened.  It gives me sleepy eyes but I think it's just finding comfort.  The calm...  It also makes me laugh so hard.  Words like grr and shizzle, what is that?  Seeing a dark past turn into such a bright and strong future makes me cry for all the tough times and watching the struggle from the sidelines trying to help the best way I knew how.  This day I also cry because I can't explain into words how proud I feel to be around to see the finish line.  I always had faith,  I never wavered, not once.  *muah* fly. 


It's going to be Mother's Day tomorrow and I still feel weird about it.  I tend to think about when I was pregnant with Sydney.  I sometimes forget that all of these years have past and she's turned out to be this beautiful girl.  I never feel worthy to be celebrated on this day.  I'm no Mother Nature.  Oh speaking of her,  I ordered her flowers and I didn't want to send regualr flowers.  So I sent....


It looks really rain forest like. 

I won't post a picture of Marianne because it's not an example of a mom.  So I will post a picture of mom and my step mom Donna who comes in second place to mom. 


This is mom. 




This is Donna.


I also love Danny so much and we have been so close and now because he's only one of two special people I call Love I did this so I'll always have a reminder of him. 



I really hope he likes it. 

Last but not least I think it's time for people to stop looking away and notice that there are so many kids out there that are being abused.  The only time you ever seem to hear about it is after some ass hole throws a baby out of the car going so fast.  So many things happen before it gets to this point. 




I hope this tattoo makes at least one person think.

today I stayed with a non mother.  I was scared of how I would feel.  I watched her hallucinate, having to tell her what was real and what wasn't.  It must be scary to lose your mind.  I don't know how strong I am but I handled today and I take it from there.

sometimes life doesn't turn out like you've planned it.  so you make your way around like the game of life.  I've drawn a pass card and it's given me time to think about who I am and where I want to go.  Sometimes you passed something you can't go back to that you miss so much.  Like the biggest ball of yarn.  You get excited in that moment and think damn I can't wait till I see the next big thing.  The problem with that is you might have missed some of the best parts you thought were borning.  They have life and it may not be new but it's everything you never knew you always wanted.  So lets pass on by and find that place where you went off the road so you can pick up somewhere and find A way. 

Love will alway be, it's a constant.  When it's lost ask for it because it's the only true comfort.

I spent the day cleaning up everything so when david comes home tomorrow after surgery he'll be able to just sleep.  I'll only be able to be around till I go to work later that night. 

I went up to the store and Maria and I tried on all the things that are fun in the store.  Thank god we weren't being watched.  I'll post the pictures later. 

I'm really just emotionally exhausted.  Avoiding is the only way to deal right now. 

maybe tomorrow will be better