photos on the floor

I have a dream

I find myself in the dark in the middle of the night. I'm listening to Cat's voice clips. It's during these quiet moments that I allow myself to feel my feelings. I really want a happy ending. I want a family. I don't know what to do to get what I dream about.

I want : a greater Swiss mountain dog, a rag doll cat, a wife, kids, a house that is warm and inviting. I want to be a published author. A want to write a screenplay.

I want to be able to look back on my life when I'm old and know my life had meaning. I mattered.

photos on the floor

I compare everyone to Cat.

I'm listening to pages won't turn playlist. I'm talking to this girl Linda and I compare eyes and personalities. I'm tired of wanting someone who never thinks of me. Why is it that I feel like I'm in hell.

photos on the floor

Trying to recreate the magic

I spent the day editing 4 chapters and then I watched Grey's Anatomy. I'm trying to catch up on what I missed during the stroke. When the episodes were over I missed Cat. I remembered how Cat and I would talk about the show when it was over. I tried to talk to Kenzie about it but it wasn't the same.

When I edited I can't help but smile at the fact that I have written a book about "us". The bad thing is that some people think I'm still the way I was when it all happened. Danny and Anjali love it. I have to edit 15 chapters before I get beta readers. I'm so nervous about that.

I feel so exposed. Plus I will always worry about what Cat would say. I know that her opinion shouldn't matter but deep down I know that it does. Fuck.

photos on the floor

I'm thinking about pages won't turn.

I need to edit but something hurts in my chest every time I read it. I want to forget or move on but I'm fucking stuck. It feels like hell. I'm tired of wanting something I clearly can't have.

So there's this guy and he's a doctor. I wish I could meet a vet. He's handsome.

I haven't talked to Anjali since Friday night and I'm starting to worry.